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itzMee_Kat
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State: New Jersey
Metro: Piscataway
Interests: hii. im k a t e r i n a, but everyone calls me k a t. keepin` it real in p`way, NJ. born on the 23rd of march. im a s i a n ! love to watch movies and chill out with my friends i <3 tennis, softball, green and pink tropical skittles and starbucks. i'm the kinda girl who loves smiling and surprises. get at mee! `:]
Message: message me
AIM:  haiLOVEitt
Member Since:
11/15/2004
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| I was so wrong for so long
Only tryin' to please myself (myself)
Girl, I was caught up in her lust
When I don't really want no one else
So, no I know I should of treated you better
But me and you were meant to last forever
So let me in (let me in) give me another chance (another chance)
To really be your man
Cause when the roof caved in and the truth came out
I just didn't know what to do
But when I become a star we'll be living so large
I'll do anything for you
So tell me girl
Mmmm whatcha say,
Mmm that you only meant well?
Well of course you did
Mmmm whatcha say, (whatcha say)
Mmmm that it's all for the best?
Of course it is
Mmmm whatcha say,
Mmm that you only meant well?
Well of course you did
Mmmm whatcha say, (whatcha say)
Wha- wha- wha- wha- what did she say
Girl, tell me whatcha said (said)
I don't want you to leave me
Though you caught me cheatin'
Tell me, tell me whatcha said (said)
I really need you in my life
Cuz things ain't right, girl
Cause when the roof caved in and the truth came out
I just didn't know what to do (I just didn't know what to do)
But when I become a star we'll be living so large
I'll do anything for you
So baby watcha say!
Mmmm whatcha say,
Mmm that you only meant well?
Well of course you did
Mmmm whatcha say, (whatcha say, whatcha say)
Mmmm that it's all for the best?
Of course it is
Mmmm whatcha say,
Mmm that you only meant well?
Well of course you did
Mmmm whatcha say, (whatcha say, whatcha say)
Wha- wha- wha- wha- what did she say? | | |
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happy birthday emery gonzalez!
i love that girl with alll my heart. alll of it! haha and then some <3
as much as i LOVED the fun i had today at Shady Brook, getting lost, being scared, and laughing our asses off, there was one thing plaguing my mind the whole time. i know i've repeatedly said the same shit over and over and over again but i really hate this. sometimes i wish i didn't find out. sometimes i wish that i knew what he was thinking. sometimes i wish i was confident in myself to know that i'm anything any other guy would want. but it's hard. little things remind me of stuff that's happened. little things make me upset. little things sometimes make it all better. i get so nervous. i don't know how to talk to him, i doubt i even should be talking to him but what am i supposed to do? it's so frustrating. i want a fresh start. i wish it was june 20th SCRATCH THAT. i wish it was may 23. yes i actually searched google to find that date. i want to redo the past 3 weeks. i just wish things were different.
but there's nothing for me to do. some people say time. other people say no talking. but i'm the only person in the end who gets to make the decision. whether or not it ends in tears or smiles. i just want to be able to make that decision and be happy about it. not nervous. not scared. not afraid. just happy.
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first off. i want to say.
the PISCATWAY HIGH SCHOOL GIRLS TENNIS TEAM ARE THE 2009 GMC CHAMPS! <3
second off. i want to say i love all the girls. it's our year! no doubt.
and of course now. i get to the sad shit.
it's really never been about what i want. i take a chance and i get kicked in the ass. i make the safe decision and get kicked in the ass one million times worse. what is there left for me to do? absolutely nothing. i tell you. nothing, no one can me make feel better besides myself. except maybe emery. lol but it's a long road ahead. and it's going to be tough. it already is tough. i really wish things weren't this way and that maybe timing was different and that i had made a decision to look the other way. but i can't look backwards. i can't control the past. i can only control the future. i can move forward while looking backward. i need all the strength i can get. it's too hard. it's not okay. i mean i feel it about to blow over. but in my head, in my heart, it's not over. i know what i should do. i know what i want to do. i know i should take time. i know that i need to make the distance further apart because being so close will only lead me to get hurt again. hell. i'm already hurt again. he can't control my emotions. he shouldn't because we're not going out. we're not together. and after all that's happened, we never were. it's hard. and there's nothing else i can do.
i have to stop myself. i do. but i want him to realize how much he hurt me. i want him to realize how good i was to him and that he shouldn't have effed it up. i want him to realize how much he's lost. but i know he won't. i know what i feel and what happened to me won't matter to him. because "feeling stupid" and "feeling like an ass" does not mean shit to me. to me that means you were just stupid enough to get caught. i know him. i was right about him just walking away. i'll be right this time.
the only way i'll realize how amazing i am, is if he realizes it first.
stupid? yes. but that's how it works in my mind.
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no matter how much advice i get. no matter how many times people say i'm better off. no matter how long it takes... only i can get myself through this.
i feel like i've heard every possible word of advice from every possible person and yet i haven't found the advice or the words that'll make me realize i'll be okay.
one of my facebook statuses today was "kat chong knows where she's supposed to be". it's tuesday. i should be at his house. and instead i was home early doing nothing. i realized that i put tennis on the back burner this weekend because of all that's happened and GMCs are tomorrow. me and my doubles partner easily won our match today, but i don't think i smiled at all during that match, even though i hit the shot that always makes me feel better. it's so tough. it's so draining. all i ever want to do is sleep because it'll just make time go faster and i think i secretly hope that when i wake up, i'll be okay. but it never works out that way.
i almost cried in school today. this is so stupid. i still don't understand. and i doubt that i ever will. it's gonna take a lot for me to smile. and i hope that tomorrow is just good, better. i know that i MUST put aside all this bullshit and drama that's been plaguing my mind for the past 5 days in order to win. this is my senior year. and i want to make the best of what's left of it. i gotta get focused. there's more to life than this. i know it.
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so one of my best friends told me, in light of recent events, that to have a best friend you have to be best friends with yourself first. she said something along those lines. and then she made fun of me for just copying and pasting lyrics into these blogs.. putting certain lines and bold but never saying anything. so here. i'm talking to myself. in this blog, one because i'm too lazy to write a whole long ass story in a journal, and two because i need to air out my head.
this past weekend by far has to be the worst weekend i've experiences in a while. i went from the happiest girl on friday to the saddest within a maybe 5 minute phone conversation that i never should have received. not because she shouldn't have told me, but because this situation, this whole thing should not have even happened in the first place. at least that's what i keep telling myself. i've spent this entire weekend, ignoring my massive amounts of hw, moping around and getting advice from people, thinking that at a certain point, i'll get the answer that i want. the advice i want to hear.
every two seconds this goes through my head:
"i just don't understand. why?"
it just feels like everything's falling apart. the past two months, pretty much my WHOLE summer was a lie. a joke. and i continuously looked like an idiot. my feelings are hurt. i feel like at any moment, i'll just break down realizing how much of an idiot i was to think that everything was going good. or i'll break down because i'll realize how much i miss the stupid little things of having a boyfriend. i don't know what i ever did to deserve this. i don't know where to go from here. i don't know if i want to talk to him or if i want to just slap him in the face. i don't know what i'm doing. i don't know what i want.
but what i do know is that this just should not have happened. i shouldn't even be in this situation. this kinda shit only happens on fcking tv! and i feel the need to just keep to myself. and wait until this blows over. but then i realize that i want my answers. i can't get over this until something clicks in my mind.
i miss him. i hate him, but i miss him. or maybe i just miss the little things. who the fuck knows. i don't know.
on 11:11 once. i wished that something good would happen with me and him
... and instead this is what i got. :\
[4:30pm]
instead of doing work... here i am again. i've been thinking. A LOT. being home alone does that to you. and i've come to the conclusion that even though he was a bad boyfriend. even though i always complained to my friends about the stupid little things he did or didn't do. i was happy. i really was. and even though most of that happiness wasn't fake. i dunno. for some reason. i'm okay with fake happiness. because it's better than what i'm sitting through. fighting the urge to text him, even though we would talk about absolutely nothing. knowing he's most likely at work. knowing that tomorrow is tuesday and i'm supposed to take the car to school so that after tennis i can hang out with him like usual. i always want to be happy, to me that is what is important. and i feel like i need to talk to him to clear the air. closure. anything. because sitting here thinking about it. just makes it worse for me. i know he doesn't want to do anything. but i do. i do. and even though he hurt me so much and disrespected me and did all that bad shit to me. for some reason, i still want to talk to him.
i just need my questions answered. maybe that's what i need. but all i know is that he's still in my mind. and i don't think he's going away any time soon.
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